Rising and Advancing Spirit

Well...let's see where I am now:

--I got the job working for MobileESPN, which is ESPN's cell phone company. I sell the coolest phone in the world. The service is AWESOME, and I love the phone itself too. So maybe call the toll-free number some night and you might get me!

--I've moved out of Decker's, G-d bless 'em. I'm living with one of my coworkers. I'm working around 60 hours per week, and he is too, se we don't see each other very much. We do like each other, though, and I know we'll both work hard to keep our friendship intact. So now I have a place to live...now I have a place of my own. Well...that I share with a roommate. You know what I mean, dammit.

--I got a 1991 Chevy conversion van this weekend for $600! It is a behemoth to drive, I'm still working on parking it right (i.e., in just one space), but I love it. I can get to work from home in 15 minutes, as opposed to the hour-plus it was taking when I rode the bus. So now I've actually added time to my day that I can spend working...woo-hoo!

--I'm getting published (I think!) in Mental Horizon Press. I submitted a piece, and last I heard it was making it through all the judges. Also check out the bottom of the page...I'll be reading in the show.

--I celebrated my 2-month CoDA birthday last night, 16 April. It was just two months ago I walked out of the Newcomer's Meeting with a pamphlet and a chip. No job, no car, no money, no home. And now I have all those things...I took the Third Step in the meeting, publicly; I have decided to turn my will and my life over to the care of G-d as I understand Him. No power on earth could have gotten me this far--why not just trust Him with the rest of my life? No religion, no church stuff, no "getting saved". Just Him...letting G-d be G-d and me be me.

--More to follow...life is radically different. I am too...I'm having to run to keep up with the blessings!

I can't take credit for this...it came in an e-mail from Becky Cheek (whose blog is listed right over there on the right side of the page). It is awesome, so I thought I'd share it with you:

15 Things You Probably Never Knew or Thought About
1. At least 5 people in this world love you so much they would die for you.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to someone.
7. If not for you, someone may not be living.
8. You are special and unique.
9. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you.
10. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
11. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look: you most likely turned your back on the world.
12. When you think you have no chance of getting what you want, you probably won't get it, but if you believe in yourself, probably, sooner or later, you will get it.
13. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks.
14. Always tell someone how you feel about them; you will feel much better when they know.
15. If you have a great friend, take the time to let them know that they are great.

A Minute:
They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them, but then an entire life to forget them.

Take the time to live and love.

Isn't this awesome? It was so nice I read it and cried...I've not been feeling very lovely these days, as you can imagine.

Yesterday morning I woke up weeping. I dreamt about Karen, and about how it all went to hell. It was sort of a "clip reel" to catch me up, or remind how far things had gone so fast. I woke up missing her, sore and aching for her, sick and sad. So I went outside and smoked and cried.

I dreamed about her again, last night. Same kind of dream...just sort of a re-hash, a reminder of how crazy and cruel and vicious she was at the end. And I woke up missing her again.

I was talking with Angel yesterday about missing Karen, and she popped me square between the eyes with a question: Did I miss Karen or who I thought was Karen?

Shit...

I talked about this in the meeting last night. I always believed that if I were just loving enough / giving enough / kind enough etc, that we could overcome anything. I stopped looking at so many things about Karen...I ignored or overlooked or just plain denied many, many of the problems she has.

But even then that doesn't excuse everything. I am working on forgiving her...it will be easier when the rest of my things are out of the house (and therefore out of her reach) and stored away safely. When I can stop her ability to cause me grief, I can start forgiving her. And I can start getting back what I'm owed...at least, pursuing it. And I'm not sure how bad I want it, if it means being further enmeshed with her, tied to her. I don't hate her, I don't love her, I just want to be shut of this. I want to stop waking up weeping...although I think I've been crying for me. Maybe that's a good thing...

Well here's what's happened in the last 18 days:

--I've moved in with the Deckers, God bless 'em. Have been eating and sleeping...and ya know what? Things are looking up...in fact, I almost feel a bit guilty. Shouldn't I still be wearing sackcloth and ashes? Answer: FUCK NO!!!!!

--Have started attending CoDA meetings. I live right across the street from the 12-Step House, I see it every time I step outside to smoke, I get it, God, I get it...the meetings are helping, if for no other reason than to know that other people have suffered through the same things I have, and have gone on to grow and change from the experience. My program birthday is 16 Febaruary. After I get one month in, I'm gonna celebrate by getting my ear pierced. :)

--Valentine's Day was rough...of course...I was supposed to go to a church potluck, but then I thought "hmmm...being surrounded by couples and women I can't afford while chatting and pretending I'm not bleeding internally....NAH." So I punted that, and stayed home and really really wrestled with the dark side. Dark fantasies go through your head in a situation like this. I slept, I bawled, I tossed and turned and got over it.

--Now THIS is the really amazing part of it all--and amazing across the board, these days: I haven't taken my anti-depressant in almost two weeks. I've got a lot of behavioral things to work out--I still "act depressed" even when I don't feel depressed--but I think I've been healed. I don't like to talk about it much because it sounds so "thankyaJeezus!", and I haven't had a chance to talk about this at length with Pastor George. I'd like to get his take on whether it's the real deal or me just reacting to friendly surroundings and good food. On the other hand, if He can walk on water and come back from the dead, he can certainly push a few more seratonin molecules through my brain...The thing is this: I never even asked for this, not that I recall. I just forgot to take my meds for a few days, and then started "testing" this, and I've been fine so far. I've still got some meds on hand, a "crash dose" if I start going down...but so far...nothing. If this is a healing, if this is a miracle, then praise G-d, because I certainly didn't cause this and have done nothing to deserve it.

--I got a job out at West Telemarketing. I'll be doing customer service on their ESPN Cell Phone promotion. It's money, it's steady...they need me worse than I need them. It's on the busline...my hours will be evening hours, 1630-0100, so that sort of screws the pooch...Am also looking at a second, part-time sort of gig, but only at some place I'd really want to work. Right now it's a luxury I can afford to do without, but would still like the extra buckage.

--I've got to go outside to smoke, and I never thought I'd say this, but it's a VERY GOOD thing! I'm down to about a pack a day, and since I can only stand at the end of the driveway and smoke for so long before it gets dull, I've started walking. I've lost a layer of blubber off my belly and my stomach muscles are starting to tone up. I ACTUALLY HAVE STOMACH MUSCLES...I'd forgotten I ever did. So I get up at 0430 (before Jeff and Angel...that way I'll be waiting on them to leave, and not them waiting on ME) and spark up and walk. So far have walked down past Maple a bit, and then on the return trip I get a cup of coffee from the Bucky's on the corner of 72 and Maple.

--It's just so sweet to be part of a family. It's nice to figure out the rhythms of the day and to know my place in (or out) of them. I'm friends with all the animals, even Cinnamon (the pit bull...he looks like a shaved buffalo with fangs). The cats and I are getting along together...okay. I hate cats. I really really hate cats. They're furry lizards and selfish bastards and I Just Hate Cats. I've had to *ahem* terrorize the cats a bit to get across to them that I'm the Human and they're Not. We live in an uneasy state of animal-human detente. But the dogs and I are down with each other.

--Went to Barnes & Noble after church the Sunday before last...Jeff was picking up a Valentine's Day present for Angel. So I went up and got a cup of coffee in their cafe (the only thing I could afford in there, I fucking HATE being poor...), and the woman ahead of me--or should I say, the ATTRACTIVE WOMAN WITH THE PEAR-SHAPED BREASTS PRESSED TEASINGLY AGAINST THE TIGHT SWEATER SHE WORE--was carrying a spiral notebook and a pen with a comfort grip.

Comfort grip pen...

Spiral notebook (although not NEARLY as gay as mine)...

Pear-shaped breasts...

Getting coffee at a bookstore...

Gotta be a writer. So I commented on her pen, and she said she used it to write a lot, and I whipped out my Waterman, and we chatted and one thing led to another and we sat and talked some more about writing etc. And exchanged numbers...:)

So:

I'm walking around with this number burning a hole in my packet, and it wasn't until Monday evening I could think of an excuse to call her up. By this point I'd already whacked off to her enough times that we were (technically) legally married. So I called and told her I'd forgotten to tell her about the OmahaWriters website, and blah blah blah, and left my message.

Haven't heard back.

Crap.

*sigh*

Bitch.

--Now that I have a job and I know when I'm getting paid, I can get the rest of my things out of Karen's house. I've got to find a storage bay, which I'll call on this afternoon, and then 25 March is the day. It just seems like that will give me some closure on that end of things...it's one of the very few things holding me back at all, and not much at that. I just want to be done done done. I don't even care about it for her benefit...I just want to end that thing and move on. The more I think about working just for my own benefit--i.e., going to work, working out, practicing To-Shin Do, writing (got some awesome stuff in the pipeline!) and hanging out with friends and at meetings, the more I like the idea. I really do...It's taken me 43 years to say this and mean it...but...it really IS good to be me. :)

Quick note as I sit here, sweat drying on me, arms and legs shaking with weakness from hunger:

I'm moving out tonight. I can't get storage for my things, so I've packed what I can and I'm leaving it here. I don't know how safe it will be, and I can't help that.

Karen stopped bringing in groceries a couple of weeks ago. When she eats, it's a single serving or take-out for herself. I've been rationing what's left to stay alive till I could find storage without any money or a job so I could move. I finally got it: it was impossible.

I am selling off a few possessions to get some grocery money together, and I'm moving over to the Decker's tonight. I hope I can sleep...mostly I've been sleeping during the day, when Karen isn't home, because I don't feel safe around her. I still have no idea why this is happening, and so I don't know really what she is capable of.

I just heard her pull up. Gotta go.

Well...not in jail anyway, but busted out, for sure.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to make my next entry...this blog might be going dark for a while. Karen is unrelenting. There's only one way I know of that we could go from planning to get married to this in less than a month: we never were going to get married. I feel like such an ass...I have been so taken in. I believed it all, hook line and sinker. I thought I was an important part of a Family...

I didn't replace my car last year because we were going to do it this year (yeah, say it with me, "sucker!"). I didn't hold any cash back because we were a Family. So I handed over all my paychecks to Karen and now I don't have anything to show for it--no car, no money, just demands that I move out--with no car, job or money. If you can figure out how to do that, Gentle Reader, let me know...

The only things that keep me going now are this:

--Some friends of mine, the hosts of the Writer's Group, have graciously offered me a room at their place to stay for a while. They're on the busline, and I can get to a job from there. If I could just find storage for my stuff, I'll go there...

--I've made a list of all the things I want to do and to have in the next year or so. Assuming I can keep my depression at bay (yes, that's STILL my plan for 2K6: total war on depression. Lately it feels like I'm losing ground...but god damn it, I'm gonna fall face first if I fall!), there's nothing impossible on the list. Well...maybe the HumVee that converts into a super Jet-Ski. But there's nothing on there I can't achieve or have. Now it's just a matter of building it together, piece by piece, and staying alive long enough to do it. Simple, really...:)

--The good and Godly wisdom of Pastor George at 3Rivers. I find myself relying on his faith when mine is weak. And it's been weak a lot lately. At the end of all this, I've asked him to baptize me, to reaffirm my faith in Christ...a thing I never would have believed were I not able to believe in George. If Baptist preachers ever get to be saints in the Catholic Church, I'm nominating him.

--And in the end, Mary. The thought of her smiling face keeps me alive, makes me want to draw the next breath. If I can get everything to work right (and all the thousand other "Ifs"), I'd like to move to Battle Creek, Nebraska, where she lives. Work, switch my degree back to what it should have been--English--and finish up my Associate's at Northeast Community College. See Mary every day...thank her for keeping me alive by living the life I deserve, living that life with her.

And all I have to do is make it through Today and the Day After That...perservere, Shinobi, perservere...

Well, I haven't gotten an "out!" date yet...don't know if that means Karen hasn't settled on a time frame, or if she's changing her mind, or what, exactly. I've got contingecy plans laid either way--i.e., get out now, get out later or stick around--and I'm staying upstairs in the bedroom out of her way. I listen to the radio, I read, and I pray...I stay in touch with friends on the phone and e-mail. I talk with Pastor George from 3Rivers and that helps tremendously. I breathe in and I breathe out.

This would be so much easier if I didn't love her so much.

One week ago today I was fired from Werner. Since then, as well as losing my job, my girlfriend has ordered me out, and is breaking it off with me.

In one week--seven days--I have lost everything.

I was fighting off depression anyway before this...now all I can do is sleep or fantasize about suicide. This is the real beauty of depression: you lose every reason to live, but you keep living anyway.

And so in the midst of all this I'm supposed to find a job and an apartment and move. And all of this goes without saying that I've got to find some way to explain this to Mary, my daughter, who loves Karen and the boys as much as I do, and felt very much "in a family" here.

I feel like I'm trapped in a permanent scream. I'm in so much pain I literally can't feel it anymore. I'm still taking my meds, for what little they're doing...I could actually get worse than this. And my supply is running out...I'll see if I can mooch some samples from my doctor's office.

Both boys got me excellent Christmas gifts (was Christmas really just twelve days ago, we were all laughing and enjoying each other?) that showed how much they do pay attention to me. I don't know what to say to them. For now, I'm saying nothing and routing their questions to their mom.

I feel like if I could just get a handle on my depression...ah, there are famous last words.

I feel like I'm walking in the dark, in a strange place. All my compass points are gone...I would have bet real money that Karen and I would never break up. This is hard enough to do...alone, unwanted and without many resources, it feels impossible.

I keep writing, keep spinning my voice into the blogosphere, just to say I was here, I loved, and I have lost, and I am lost. Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.

I can't stand up to this tide of Hell...I keep flitting between terror and rage and agony and numb. I can't get my legs under me. All the ground is gone, everything I trusted is gone...

1 Hear my prayer, O LORD, give ear to my supplications: in thy faithfulness answer me, and in thy righteousness.

2 And enter not into judgment with thy servant: for in thy sight shall no man living be justified.

3 For the enemy hath persecuted my soul; he hath smitten my life down to the ground; he hath made me to dwell in darkness, as those that have been long dead.

4 Therefore is my spirit overwhelmed within me; my heart within me is desolate.

5 I remember the days of old; I meditate on all thy works; I muse on the work of thy hands.

6 I stretch forth my hands unto thee: my soul thirsteth after thee, as a thirsty land. Selah.

7 Hear me speedily, O LORD: my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit.

8 Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.

9 Deliver me, O LORD, from mine enemies: I flee unto thee to hide me.

10 Teach me to do thy will; for thou art my God: thy spirit is good; lead me into the land of uprightness.

11 Quicken me, O LORD, for thy name's sake: for thy righteousness' sake bring my soul out of trouble.

12 And of thy mercy cut off mine enemies, and destroy all them that afflict my soul: for I am thy servant.